Why Trying to Fit In Doesn't Work

With the holiday season upon us, and the stress some are faced with, yet again this year, just like every year... dealing with the in-laws or long lost crazy uncle, being forced together to have a happy holiday season, let's face it... It's a stressful time of year. But it shouldn't be! I have a little story for you...

I've been taking voice lessons on and off for the past couple of years. In my last lesson, I was having some trouble. I just wasn't singing well. I wasn't hitting the right notes and my timing was off. I was annoyed with myself and my frustration was building. Finally, my voice teacher said to me, "Stop thinking, stop trying so hard, and just sing." So I did.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and let go. Suddenly I was singing again, and sounding great. Afterwards, it occurred to me that I was just trying too hard.

I was trying to hit the right notes,
trying to breathe in the right places,
trying to project my voice...
I was caving under the pressure.

But once I stopped trying so hard and started trusting myself, the pressure went away. My performance improved greatly, I felt relaxed, and I had fun.

If you're trying really hard to live life the way you're "supposed" to, then chances are you're stressed out, frustrated, and overwhelmed. Stop trying to fit in and start embracing your differences. Trust yourself and do what works for you, not what works for everyone else. Some examples include:

* Feeling comfortable taking care of yourself, even if that means saying "no" to people or taking a day off just to relax

* Doing whatever it is you have to do in order to pay attention, even if that means doodling in a meeting

* Organizing yourself in ways that are comfortable for you, even if that means being a little disorganized compared to most people's standards

* Refusing to stress out about the little things, even if that means running a few minutes late sometimes

Don't try to be good at everything. Don't try to conform to other people's standards. Set your own principals and standards and stick to them for you, not someone else.

Success isn't all about money and material gains. It's about feeling comfortable being yourself, and finding solutions to your challenges on your own terms. It's about enjoying your life, and having confidence in yourself.

Most entrepreneurs aren't afraid to be the "odd one out" because they know that following other people's rules doesn't always work. It leads to stress, frustration, anxiety, and pressure. Breaking those rules and making your own is sometimes a much better fit.

Wouldn't you rather be happy and successful than waste energy trying to fit in?

So go ahead and let your relative attempt to guilt you about whatever their hang-ups are... how you aren't good enough for your spouse or you don't cook right or whatever... They're going to do it anyway. Bring it on. If you refuse to let their standards be imposed upon you, then *POOF* no worries. Once you don't let them get to you, it's kinda fun to watch them try.

Here is a good book if you suffer from a little "Trying to Fit In Syndrome"... Apparently some adults with ADD are especially vulnerable to this. Even if you don't have ADD, most of us have so much crammed into our brain that sometimes it's a challenge to stay organized and prioritize what's important. And that is taking care of yourself.

If you don't have much cluttering your gray matter, congratulations! What's that like?!

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Jennifer Koretsky is the Founder of the ADD Management Group, Inc. and the author of the new book Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD. Jennifer and her team work with ADD adults who are overwhelmed with everyday life in order to help them simplify, focus, and succeed. For free resources and information on adult ADD, visit http://www.ADDmanagement.com .

Setting SMART Goals

Happy November!

We all know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a different outcome. So if you resolve to re-commit to any unfulfilled goal (lose 10 pounds, quit smoking, find a new job, etc.), I have some suggestions for taking the struggle out of the process.

Write your goals down. You can write them in your journal, in your Palm Pilot, or on a cocktail napkin. The physical act of writing anything down commands that “Google search engine” that is your subconscious mind to attract resources, information, anything you need to attain that goal. Further, as soon as you attain one goal, create another. Keep a constant “Things to Do List” for your life.

When writing your goals down, make them SMART:

Specific and Simple. The subconscious, which is where all behavior comes from, needs clarity and precision. Broad goals such as “I will be happier in 2006” are too vague. Ask yourself what specifically would make you happier? A new career? Make that your goal. The subconscious is a doer, not a thinker, and it must receive the bottom line, crystal clear bulleted targets: “I’m enrolling in law school.” Or I’m being promoted to vice president.” Or “I’m becoming a non-smoker.” Don’t flood the engine of the subconscious with TMI (too much information) such as complex business plans and financial projections from the data processing department.

Measurable and Meaningful. How will you know when you’ve gotten your goal? Make it easy for your subconscious to help you attain your goal. “I’m making $250,000 this year.” “I’m doubling my sales quotas.” These are “idiot proof” measures that anyone (including your subconscious) can recognize and applaud.

Your goals should be meaningful to you. I can’t tell you how many people think they have no willpower or that they constantly self-sabotage. Actually, at the root of it all, they simply don’t want that goal. Perhaps they keep failing the Bar Exam because they really don’t want to be an attorney…they’ve been trying to please their parents, or someone else. Make sure your goals are in line with YOUR dreams, because it will show up in your work, in your health, in your heart, in your face, and in your life.

Achievable. All Areas of your Life. Act as if you have it now.

There is no point in chasing after a goal that is unachievable (although with quantum physics, the unachievable is beginning to be a thing of the past). It’s an unachievable goal for President George W. Bush to hold a third term. (Thank God!) There are certain professional standards and limitations that we must honor, and allow them to guide us setting our goals.

Act as if you have it now, and it is simply a matter of time before it becomes reality. This is not delusion …unless of course you are constantly affirming that you are the Queen of England. You begin calling yourself to a higher level, clearing fears and obstacles out of your way, and summoning all the forces of the environment to fall in line with the new you. It is rehearsal. It’s training your subconscious to draw its attention to your goal to manifest it. You will be shocked and amazed at how many “coincidences” begin occurring when you stand in your commitment.

Realistic and Responsible. Our goals must be realistic. I can hardly expect to become an attorney if I have not completed law school and passed the Bar Exam. Our goals must be in line with our training, experience, as well as our desires.

Set responsible, ecological goals. It may not be responsible to open a liquor store if your spouse is an alcoholic. Rethink any goals that may damage the environment or cause others to suffer.

Timed and Toward. Give your goal a deadline (first quarter of the next year by March, in 5 years, etc). If you miss the deadline, no need to beat yourself up. Simply reset it and re-commit. Quantifying and qualifying goals keep us in action and fosters a fun, sportsmanlike spirit about it. When we simply say: “I’m becoming a better golfer,” then losing just one stroke has technically made you a better golfer. Setting a specific goal (“I’m consistently scoring within 3 points of par by the end of this year” gives you a healthy sense of urgency in attaining your goal.

You might consider designing a goal that moves toward something positive or pleasurable as opposed to moving from something negative or painful. When we want a new job just because we hate our current one, we will probably recreate the same misery, if not worse. This is because we get what we focus on. For example, Martin Luther King, Jr.’s dream was not based on moving people away from racial injustice, oppression and discrimination, but rather it was toward brotherhood, equality, and freedom for everyone. Use this as a map for a world of difference and power in your goal attainment.

So rather than focusing on losing 20 lbs. because you feel like a fat pig who can’t get your clothes on, focus on overall health and fitness and fitting in that ideal suit size again. The first mindset has a limited, negative charge (down) and the latter is positive (up) and limitless. Where are there more possibilities: in outer space or in the ground?

Now go out and get your goals!

If you are interested in some interesting links to get and stay motivated, check them out below they seem a little infomercial-ly but taken in small doses, they provide some good info -

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Dr. Irwin is a psychotherapist/therapeutic hypnotist in private practice in Los Angeles. She is also an author, public speaker, and avid goal setter.

http://www.hypnotherapistlosangeles.com

http://www.youtube.com/DrNancyIrwin